


Perfect Kind of Chaos

by holeybubushka



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Wendigos, Emily is not having a good day ok, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 11:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10018931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holeybubushka/pseuds/holeybubushka
Summary: Emily has only just reconciled with Jess, agreeing to put their demons (and one Michael Munroe) behind them. But when Emily learns about a secret from Jess's past, it makes her question the very foundation of their friendship.OrEmily and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imdisappointingmyparents](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imdisappointingmyparents/gifts).



The Washington kids knew how to throw a good party.

It wasn’t even midnight yet, but their house had descended into chaos. Beer bottles were strewn everywhere, smoke hung heavily over the room and the music was blaring so loud it was making Emily’s head spin.

Truth be told, she was starting to feel a little bit claustrophobic. Maybe because there was more people than usual (clearly Josh’s Facebook invite had gone viral) but she wasn’t feeling up to batting off the clumsy hands of some drunk college guy, or trying to squeeze into the Washington living room that had turned into a make-shift dance floor.

Unconsciously, she looks for Jess. Of course, her best friend didn’t share any of her qualms. The more people, the better, as far as Jess is concerned. In fact, she’s right in the middle of a group of college aged kids, animatedly talking to them. Her face is flushed, her braid sticking to the back of her neck, yet Jess was one of those rare people who still looked beautiful when dishevelled. Unlike Emily, who looked like something you’d find lurking under the bridge in a particularly nasty fairy tale whenever her mascara started to run.

She’d like to go home. Josh is the kind of idiot who holds parties on Sundays, yet Washington gatherings are so notorious everyone turns up anyway. But the noise and the smoke is getting to Emily, and unless she gets from fresh air and some peace she might need to bail early.

Thankfully, she finds some respite outside, the thick walls cushioning the dull thump of the music.

Finally, she can breathe.

“Heyyyy, stranger,” Sam says, tearing Emily away from her thoughts.

She’s lounging on the bench on the Washington’s porch, legs dangling over the edge the balcony. She looks completely at home.

“Hey. What are you doing?” Emily asks, going to sit next to her.

 “Looking at the sky. It’s beautiful out, isn’t?” Sam says, looking blissfully upwards. Emily plasters a fake smile on her face, thinking of her possible escape route if Sam starts talking about the solar system.

“What are you doing? Figured you’d be life of the party as usual.”

“No. People are being stupider than normal. I just needed some air.”

“And booze.” Sam points towards the two bottles of sangria Emily’s carrying. “Planning on having a private party?”

“No, this one is for Jess, but she’s too busy being the _actual_ life of the party,” Emily sighs.

She throws her head back and looks up towards the sky. Sam had a point. It’s peaceful out here.

“Jess parties enough for us all,” Sam says, nudging her shoulder. “Can I take that drink off you then?”

“Be my guest. The Washington’s provided all the booze anyway.”

“Thanks,” Sam says, closing her eyes and taking a deep drink.

They sit there in amicable silence. Listening to the chatter of the night.

 _‘It’s nicest thing about Sam_ ,’ Emily thinks. ‘ _She just lets people be.’_

 “Soooooooo, you and Jess, huh?”

“What does that mean?” Emily asks, voice sharper than normal.

“Just, you know, it’s a relief you guys worked it all out. It was getting hard, watching you claw at each other.”

“Yeah well, it took her long enough, but she finally saw Mike for the whiny little man bitch that he is.”

“Sometimes, when I saw you guys fighting, I thought you could burn down the whole school.”

“I thought about it,” Emily joked. “If Mike and Jess were still inside.”

“Yeah well, you’ve got to really care about someone to hate them so much” Sam says, looking thoughtful.

“I didn’t hate Jess,” Emily protests, although even to her it sounded hollow. Sam shot her a side-long glance and smirked, and Emily was just about to say something unkind about her stupid hat when Beth popped her head out from the open doorway.

“Hey, there you are,” she says, smiling fondly at Sam. “Orion out in full tonight?”

“Yes, and it’s a beautiful sight! Come see.”

“I would, but last I checked, Josh started dancing on the dining room table, so I just have to keep him from destroying something Mom and Dad will actually miss. Oh hey Em,” she says, only spotting Emily now. “How are you?”

 “Good, good, just enjoying the summer ambiance.”

“That is not what I was expecting to come out of your mouth, but OK. Do you need anything?”

“Nope,” she says, lifting her bottle. “We’re both all set.”

"Huh," now Beth is looking at Sam again, eyebrow raised in that nonchalant way of hers. "Sam is that your sixth drink tonight?"

“I plead the fifth, ma’am,” Sam drawled, in a fake-southern falsetto.

“Ok, well, try and go easy? It’d be nice if you were coherent tonight so you can….help me with the clean-up.”

“Don’t worry babe, I’ll get a second wind, promise.”

“Ok,” Beth chuckles, shaking her head. Emily feels like she missed the undercurrent of that particular conversation but before she could really think about it Beth retreated to back to the party and Sam was humming happily to herself.

“Aw, look at you two,” Emily teases. Sam raises her eye brows, looking confused.

“She’s looking out for you, making sure you don’t get in over your head. Cute.”

“Wow, OK, if you think Beth’s motives right there were altruistic then you were listening to an entirely different conversation.”

“What do you mean?”

Sam chuckles, the faintest red tinge spreading over her cheeks. On closer examination, Emily could tell she was a little buzzed.

“Well, Beth doesn’t usually do any real cleaning until the day _after_ a party. Let’s just say she’s reminding me to sober up so we can spend some quality time together when you all leave.”

“To do what exactly….oh, Ok, now I get it,” Emily says, wincing as thoughts of Sam and Beth doing sexual-related things flashed through her brain.

Gross. She needed to drink more to expunge _that_ image.

“Well that’s a naughty side of Beth that I did not know about.”

“Oh, I thought you’d know about at least some of Beth’s naughtiness from Jess.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Emily asks, a weird pang hitting her in the chest. She stares at Sam for a good couple of seconds, completely thrown.

Sam splutters a bit, sitting up and staring at Emily with wide eyes. She’s blushing even redder now.

“Oh, nothing, forget I said anything.”

“Forget you said anything? Sam, I was here less than two seconds ago.”

“Yeah, well, I was just joking. You know me, always the joker.” Sam moves to get up. “So I’m going to see what Hannah’s doing…”

“Oh no you sit right here,” Emily says, grabbing Sam’s arm and jerking her down harder than she intended. Sam yelps and sits down, rubbing her shoulder with a sheepish look on her face.

“I heard what you said. Something about Jess knowing about Beth being _naughty._ ”

“Oh, I just meant naughty like pranks and stuff. You know, they used to be real practical jokers when they were kids.”

“Sam, need I remind you that I am 4.0, Honor Roll. So don’t insult my intelligence.”

“Ok, Ok, jeez, I don’t need the fourth degree,” Sam says, looking down at the floor.

“I thought you knew?”

“Knew about what?” Emily says, on the verge of losing her temper completely.

“Jess and Beth!” Sam says in a rush, avoiding Emily’s gaze.

The words hit Emily like a kick to the gut.

“What?”

“They messed around a little when they were kids. Before Beth and I got together. Beth was out, but Jess wanted to keep it a secret but… I didn’t think she’d keep something like that from you.”

“Oh,” Emily’s throat seized up, and she found herself struggling to say anything more.

_How could Jess not tell me?_

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I just thought you knew…”

The inference that Jess would keep something from her was enough to snap Emily out of her reverie. She carefully arranged her face until she knew she wore her patented, cool expression. It was a look she had painstakingly crafted to get the bullies, who stalked and threatened and mocked her through middle-school, off her back.

 “Of course I knew,” Emily says dismissively, pretending to casually inspect her nails. “Jess tells me everything.”

“I’m sure, it’s just you seemed a little shocked, before…”

 “Well, she never told me outright, I knew she fooled around with some girl when she was young, but she never told me who and I respected that. Now I know she was probably just embarrassed about picking Beth to experiment on.”

Sam now looks both confused and offended, and Emily felt annoyance prickle at her skin. She wants nothing more than to lash out at Sam, to sate the feeling of hot anger bubbling in her chest. But if her year-long fight with Jessica had taught her anything, it was that her rage often landed her in more trouble than it’s worth.

“Right well, thanks for the chat, but I gotta jett, so…”

“Em, wait…”

“Bye, Sam.”

She stalks away, not bothering to look at back at her friend.

The party was continuing to rage on. Josh had stopped dancing on the table and instead had picked up Ashley and was whirling her through the air. Chris was laughing but the naked jealousy on his face was pathetic.

Emily snorted.  Chris was so obvious. And he was a coward for not just admitting his feelings.

Through the din she could pick out Jessica’s laughter, high and bright. Emily whirled around, craning her neck, trying to pick her out through the throng of people. Finally, she spotted her, cloistered away in the faraway corner of the room. She was talking to a dark-haired girl who looked like she was in college. They were sitting close together, knees almost touching, Jess’s head bent so she can hear what the girl was saying. It must’ve been hilarious, because she laughed again, with the other girl smirking at her.

On a different night, it would’ve looked innocuous, but Emily could practically see the electric current running between them. The shy, coquettish looks Jess was sending her, batting her eye lashes, lip gloss glinting in the dull light, teasing this girl with the prospect of _maybe._

Emily felt sick. Sick that Jess would keep something like this from her. Sick that she, who prided herself on being perceptive, had failed to understand her own best friend.

_I’ve told her everything, and this, this is what I get from this bitch in return._

Jess must’ve sensed Emily was looking, because she broke eye contact with the girl and turned to look around. She spotted Emily and broke out into a wide smile, gesturing her to come join them.

Emily re-arranges her face, sets Jess with a cool, dismissive stare. Waving goodbye, she turns around and hightails it out of the Washington house as fast as her shaking legs can take her.

+++

Emily hears her phone buzzing intermittently as she drives home. She was supposed to be Jess’s ride, but Emily doesn’t feel bad about leaving Jess at the party. She will have plenty of offers for places to stay, in fact, that college chick is probably offering to take Jess home right now.

She pulls into her driveway, turning off the engine and resting her head on the steering wheel. Reluctantly, she pulls out her phone and sees five messages waiting for her.

From Jessica:

_Hey gurl, where’d u go? Come back and drink with me!_

From Jessica:

_OK, srsly Em, I’ve been looking for ten minutes and I can’t find u anywhere. Are u OK?  xx_

Missed call, Jessica 11:45pm

Missed call, Jessica 11: 49pm

From: Jessica:

_Em, this isn’t funny. Sam says she last saw u half an hour ago. Are u OK?_

From: Jessica:

_Emily, don’t you know ur my fucking ride home, bitch? At least text me to let me know ur ok._

From: Jessica:

_Just FYI, I’m crashing at the Washingtons tonight. Not like you’d care._

Emily takes a deep breath and texts her back.

From: Emily

_Jesus, stalk much? I felt like I was going to vom so I hightailed it outta there. I figured you’d be fine to sleep over at Hannah’s and I didn’t want to bother you. Sorry._

Jess’s reply is almost instantaneous.

From: Jessica:

_OMG, are you ok!!! Screw Hannah, I can catch a cab and come to yours? I don’t mind being on vomit duty ;)_

From: Emily

_That’s sweet, but I’m just going to sleep. Night_

Jess doesn’t reply back.

Emily pretends she doesn’t care.

+++

Emily hadn’t even opened her eyes but she knows she’s perilously close to a throbbing headache. Groaning, she rolls over and blearily checks her phone.

She doesn’t have any messages.

It’s almost eight, and she is very close to being late. If she was going to go to school, she’d need to get up now.

But the thought of facing everyone (well, Jess) felt too much for her right now. And, screw it. She was already honor roll material. It world won’t fall into a heap if she skips a day.

She rolls over and closes her eyes again but before she can even contemplate falling back to sleep she hears her mother rattling her door knob.

“Emily? Emmy? Are you up?”

“I’m not well Mom, I need to sleep.”

Her mother scoffs outside her door. “We’ll see about that.”

Her mother bustles in, already dressed ready to go at work. Before Emily can say anything she reaches down and feels her forehead.

“You don’t have a fever. What’s wrong?”

“I have a cough…and I just feel lousy, Mom. Can you just leave it?”

  
“No,” her mother is already pulling her bed covers down, and Emily has to breathe deeply and remind herself not to take her head off in response.

“Emily Davis, you didn’t become an exemplary student by skipping class when you feel a little under the weather. Also, I know you went out last night, so if you’re feelings the after-effects of that, well, tough. Now, I’ve made you that strawberry smoothie you like. Take some with Advil while you drink it and you’ll be right as rain.”

Emily swallows down her frustration as her mother leaves the room. Reluctantly, she drags herself out of her bed, and steels herself for another day.

If she’s going to face up to school today, she’d at least do it looking fabulous.

Her room is littered with reminders of Jess. There’s at least ten pictures of her stuck up on the mirror of Emily’s dresser. Over in the corner of her room, there’s a top Emily borrowed from her last week. On her side table there’s a tin of glitter from when Jess had come over and they had given each other a manicure.

Christ, she can’t get away from Jess, even when she wants to.

Emily sucks in a deep breath. She has gone to school before while trying to cover up how badly Jess had hurt her.

She can do it again.

++

 

Emily makes sure to strut into school as if nothing is wrong, as if she hasn’t just been betrayed by her best friend.

 Again.

Thankfully, Jess isn’t waiting for her at Emily’s locker. Truthfully, a small part of her misses Jess already. But mostly she’s glad Jess’s not around because right now she’s not in any mood to be delicate and tactful.

She sees Sam before Sam sees her. She’s talking to Hannah and Ashley near the door to one the science labs. Hannah spots her and waves, and Sam shoots her a guilty look. She says something to Hannah and Ashley, and before Emily can make a hasty retreat Sam comes by the stand next to her.

“Hey.”

“Hey there.”

“So,” and Sam looks so uncomfortable Emily momentarily feels bad for her. “I’m sorry for last night. I screwed up.”

“You did,” Emily slams her locker closed a little harder than she intended. The sound reverberates throughout the hall. “Just don’t go blabbing about this. Jess clearly doesn’t want anyone to know.”

“I won’t. Not that Jess has anything to be ashamed of, but still, whatever she wants. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable” Sam leans on the locker next to her, scrutinising Emily closely.

Emily wishes that, for once, Sam wasn’t so terrible at reading body language.

 “She was worried about you last night. We all were. You just left without saying goodbye. Do you want to talk about it, or…”

Emily huffs, feeling a familiar sting of annoyance. Of course, Sam can’t leave well enough alone.

“I wasn’t feeling great so I left. No secret, everyone was just boring me.” She turns and looks at her friend now, for the first time, full in the face. “And I see you did get that second wind.”

“What?”

“Sam. Ever heard of concealer? You could use some for that great big hickey on your neck.”

Sam’s eyes widen in horror. She starts to slowly back away from Emily.

“No. No way. You’re joking.”

Emily cocks her head and stares pointedly at the left side of Sam’s neck. A deep red flush spreads over her friend’s face.

“Christ, Beth,” Sam growls to herself, slapping a hand over where Emily was staring. She looks mortified.   

“Sorry, gotta go Em, talk later.”

Sam practically runs to the bathroom, past a confused looking Hannah an Ashley.

Emily only _just_ suppresses her smirk.

She does feel guilty about tricking Sam.

Really, she does.

At least a little.

+++

 

In between trying to avoid Jessica (which was harder than she anticipated) she had forgotten that she had to face off with Beth in debate class.

Earlier in the day, the teacher who runs the club, Mr Winkle, spotted her near the water fountain so Emily knew there was no way of getting out of this now. But, Emily has lived her life determined to make lemonade out of lemons, and if she has to go to debate club, then she’ll use it as a socially sanctioned way to _grind Beth into the dirt._

Emily struts into the debate prep classroom, making sure to sway her hips confidently. She gives Mr Winkle a wave before sauntering over to sit in the opposite side of the classroom to Beth.

She steals a glance over at her friend. She’s sitting on a table, feet resting on the chair in front her. She looks like dressed in the dark. She’s wearing a girly, blue and white checked flannel shirt, with tight black jeans and dark boots. And, because the Washington’s own this school, she’s also allowed to wear one of her godawful beanies.

One of the juniors who just joined debate club (Emily vaguely recalls her name as Ella, but she can’t be certain) keeps surreptitiously sneaking looks over at Beth, eyes lingering over her long legs.

Emily doesn’t even try to cover up her sneer. Pathetic. Of course, Beth just screams gay, practically has rainbows oozing out of her pores, and apparently, that’s enough for every single confused, hormonal teen to lose their minds.

Just proves her theory that most people are unremittingly stupid.

 “Emily, are you still with us?”

“Of course, Mr Winkle.”

“Great, well, like I said, today I’ll divide you up into two groups, with the captains being Emily and Beth. You’ll have half an hour prep time then we’ll get into it at half past. I’ve got a meaty topic for you guys today; should the US introduce compulsory voting for presidential elections? Lots of pros and cons there. Ella, Shaun, you’re with Beth. Dan and Priya, you’re with Emily. Girls, I’m going let the two of you work out who is on the affirmative and who is on the negative side. Let’s get to work.”

The classroom breaks up, with the other kids starting to organise themselves on the two sides of the room. Beth walks over to her, friendly smile on her face, and Emily has to restrain herself from slapping her right there and then.

“Hey captain, got any preference about what side you’re going to be on?”

“I don’t mind, either one.” Emily sticks her hand out for Beth to shake. Once she takes it, Emily jerks her forward so her mouth is next to Beth’s ear.

“Doesn’t matter which one you choose, either way, I am going to _end you_.”

Emily lets go of Beth’s hand, and makes sure to shoot her a smile laced with poison.

“May the best girl win.”

_Coming to school today was worth it._

_If for nothing else just to see the stunned look on Beth Washington’s face.’_

++++

Her team wins, of course (and she almost makes Dan cry during their preparation period) because _no one_ stops her when she’s on the warpath. Once Mr Winkle awards them the win, Emily makes her way out of the classroom, making sure to shoot Beth a final victorious glance over her shoulder.

A small, resentful, knotted part of her is pleased that Beth’s a glutton for punishment and follows her outside.

 “What the hell was that?”

“Oh, were you not paying attention? That was me kicking your ass.”

“Ugh, what is wrong with you? You practically threatened me before the debate. Have you lost your mind?”

“My mind? I’m not the one who came to school today dressed like a blind, demented homeless man.”

“Do I need to get Jess to stage an intervention? Because you genuinely sound crazy. Has your inner-bitch overwhelmed you?”

“Why don’t you keep your hands away from Jess.”

This surprises Beth, making whatever insult she was planning to hurl at Emily curdle in her throat.

“What?”

“I mean…I know. I know that you took advantage of someone. Someone really naïve and impressionable,” Emily sneers. “I know you, Beth, and you are not as responsible as you like to pretend you are.”

Beth looks like she’s shaking with rage, and Emily wills herself not to take a step back. Emily knew a tiny bit of anger festered in Beth’s heart. Emily’s not an expert in the Washington’s family dynamics, but she recognized the weary resentment that flickered over Beth’s face whenever she was left to clean up the latest mess left in Hannah or Josh’s wake.

It’s just Emily’s never seen Beth’s hurt, her frustration, directed right at her. Not that she would admit out loud, but it was a tiny bit intimidating. She was so close Emily felt her breath on her cheek.

“I don’t know what you have heard. But I have never, ever taken advantage of someone. So, whatever existential crisis you are going through right now? Whatever personal drama? Leave me out of it, Emily, because right this fucking second I am _done_ with you.”

For once, Emily can’t think of a biting reply.

Beth turns and stalks away in a manner Emily can’t help but admire just a _teensie_ bit.

+++

Emily was used to being by herself. Back in middle-school she was constantly alone. Well, when she wasn’t the target of a gaggle of vicious girls who seemed to think her clothes, her academic prowess and her ethnicity meant she was fair game. So she sought refuge in the library, where she hoped no one cared that her food smelt funny or that her mother insisted on packing her chop sticks.

It all changed when she went to high school. She wasn’t going to pretend to be stupid, because undermining her intelligence to appease her vacuous classmates was just not a compromise she was willing to make. She would, however, make sure no bully would even think of targeting her again by being the most immaculately presented, bitchy ice queen their school had ever seen.

Most of that ended up being moot point anyway once she met Jess. Jess, who equally enjoyed watching dorky movies to going shopping. Who seemed to respect Emily’s intelligence, rather than mock it. Who was so vivacious, so likeable, that when she decided Emily was going to be her friend, Emily went from being nobody, to being _somebody_.

 Of course, it all went to shit last year when Jess decided that dating her best friend’s ex-boyfriend was totally fair game. Who seemed determined to put a 6 foot piece of man-baby over a friendship Emily thought was priceless.

The scars from Mike (and Emily remembers when Jess turned up at her door, sopping wet after being caught in a storm, crying and telling her she was sorry) has only just begun to heal. And now Jess has hidden something _else_ from her?

She’s lucky Emily doesn’t rip her to pieces.

Perhaps it’s because she’s curious about who else knows Jess’s secret; before she knows it she has sought Mike out. He’s not hard to find. Just follow the smell of testosterone and aftershave.

It’s near the end of lunch. Mike is holding court, surrounded by a group of five or so guys who seem to be hanging off his every word. She wishes she could say she has no idea why they find him so riveting, but Michael didn’t get where he is in life without a decent dollop of charm.

“Michael!”

He meets her gaze at the same time as one or two of the Neanderthals around him say _‘ooooh.’_

“All right, all right guys, that’s enough,” Mike says, waving a couple of them away.

“Hey stranger,” he says, walking towards her with an affable smile on his face. “You called?”

“Yeah, uh, can we go somewhere and talk? Away from the peanut gallery over there.”

“Sure, I think that classroom over there is free.”

They’re followed inside by more hooting and hollering from some of Mike’s friends. She can hear their excited voices as she closes the door. She hates what they’ll be saying, the rumors they’ll be making up right this very second.

“Dragging me into an abandoned classroom? That brings back memories.”

“Ugh,” Emily says, shuddering when she recalled that particular occasion. “That was one time.”

“A very _memorable_ time. Wink.”

“It was once, and I felt gross afterwards. But as nice as this trip down memory lane is, I need to talk to you about Jess.”

She notices Mike stiffen slightly. “Oh yeah. She Ok?”

“I just need to….clarify something,” Emily says, now unsure how to proceed.

“Ok….”

“Well, she told me she dumped you after she got sick of watching you slobber over other women…”

“That was not true. One, it was a mutual decision, two, she was paranoid.”

“Oh please, you’re a total horn dog, Mike.”

“That is not true,” he insists, sounding like he really believed it. “I was crazy about Jess. Into her completely. And it was really amazing at the beginning. But then, it turned out she wasn’t quite the girl I thought she was.”

“Wasn’t the girl you thought she was?” Emily hissed, hackles beginning to rise. “Is that your inane way of saying she wasn’t stupid enough? Or that she didn’t put out enough for you?”

 “Come on Em, don’t be like this,” Mike protest, holding up his hands like he was surrendering. “It was more like she wanted too much from me. You know, I had to be her hero, or something.”

“And you never measured up.”

“Hey now,” he says, lowering his voice flirtatiously. “I am very confident about my measurements.”

“Ugh.”

“Why are we going into this? I thought you two ladies would have gone into this in gruesome detail,” Mike says, a tinge of bitterness clouding his voice.

“We did, I just wanted to make sure that she…that you guys broke up because of the reason you said you did. That you didn’t do because…” Emily was lost for words, not sure how she could broach the subject without outing her friend. But she needed to know if Jess had trusted Mike with this secret, but not her.

“I just wanted to check you didn’t do it because you thought she was weird.”

“What?” Mike says, looking completely confused. “No, the weirdest thing she ever said to me was this one time when she kinda hinted she’d like to have a threesome with Josh. Which, granted, did make me question her taste in men a little, but I figured she was joking.”

_Christ Jess, are you planning to fuck all the Washingtons now?_

Emily can’t help but feel relieved. Clearly, he was even more ignorant than usual.

“I just wanted to double check you and her were on the same page about your stupid break-up.”

Mike smiles softly at her, all the bravado dissolving from his face. It’s times like this even Emily has to concede that he is very handsome. “It’s really great seeing you guys having each other’s backs again.”

“Yeah well,” Emily collects her bag and begins to move away from him. “That’s what best friends are for,” she adds, trying to keep any trace of bitterness away from her voice.

“Hey,” he calls out. Emily turns and looks at him.

“I never meant to get in between you guys. That was never my intention.”

“I know. But you did it anyway.”

“Hey,” Mike protests. And just like that he restores his usual, glib, arrogant façade. “I can’t help that I’m a man of passion.”

_It’s never your fault, is it, Mike?_

“Right,” Emily sneers, turning around and walking out. “See you later, Michael.”

She doesn’t look back.

+++

Emily hated that Mike Munroe could still leave her rattled. Just looking at that smug face, knowing at one time he held Emily and Jess’s hearts in the palm of his hand made her seethe with anger. Why the hell did she ever like that chump?

Why the hell did Jess?

She sees her friend now, waiting by her locker. Emily’s heart seizes up. Before she consciously knows what she’s doing, Emily spins and starts to walk away, but she can hear Jess call out after her.

“Em? Hey Em, over here.”

Emily walks quicker, turning around the corridor and into the next hall. A yard or so away she spots Josh and Chris, and she’s never been more relieved to see them in her life.

“Emily,” Josh greets her, knowing grin on his face. “Rumor has it you went full Lara Croft on my sister in debate club. Nice.”

“Running rings around your sister is hardly worth a medal, Josh.”

“Ok, Ok, but my little Bethany is most displeased. I would be avoiding her if were you.”

“Again, avoiding her isn’t much of a challenge, she’s built like a line-backer.”

“No she’s not,” Chris says, looking confused. “Beth’s actually quite slim.”

“Shut up.” Emily trains her gaze on Josh. “I need a distraction. Quick. Can you do that?”

“A distraction?” Josh chews his gum thoughtfully. Emily is about to panic when he turns and looks at Chris. “Just follow my lead, bro.”

And before Emily can say anything Josh starts wheezing, eyes bugging out, making haggard choking noises. It takes Chris a split second to fall into line.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Mr Miller, oh my god, Mr Miller, Josh is _choking_.”

She hears gasps of horror from some of the students. Some people back away, while others move forward. Mr Miller spots them and strides quickly towards Josh, who is now staggering around like a drunken bulldog.

“Josh? Joshua? Are you alright? Chris, does he need an ambulance?”

“No, just the Heimlich manoeuvre,” Chris says, grabbing Josh from behind and furiously slapping him on the back.

Through the throng Emily sees Jess, staring at Josh will ill-concealed concern. Emily feels a rush of panic fire through her chest, and before she can help herself, she turns around and practically runs.

+++

A little while later, Jess texts her.

From: Jessica

_Did you hear about Josh? He almost died today._

From: Emily

_I doubt that very much. He’ll out live us all._

From Jessica

_??????_

From: Emily

_Fine, I did see something in the corridors today. He was staggering around like he was drunk._

From Jessica:

_He was choking on his gum. Chris had to get it out. Mr Miller was useless, practically crapped his pants._

From Emily:

_Serves Josh right, he’s always chewing on that stuff._

From Jessica:

_Funny, you don’t seem concerned. Watching Josh was kinda scary. You should know, you would have been right there. Convenient him just choking and you suddenly disappearing?_

From Emily:

_Conspiracy theories again, Hun? I gotta go, I’ll see you later._

Emily turns off her phone and tries to quell the frantic beating of her heart.

 

+++

 

Emily drove her car on a familiar path until she was outside the Taylor household. The family was home, Emil could spot the outline of Matt’s little sister bounding around the living room. Craning her neck, she could see the light in Matt’s room was on, but his curtains were drawn. Good. It means he is in there, and probably alone.

Emily gingerly walks to the side of the house, feeling like a hapless robber.

She could, of course, enter through the front door, but then that would entail playing Happy Families with Matt’s parents and she couldn’t countenance that right now. So here she was, crouched underneath a tree that will easily allow her to access Matt’s window.

“Come on Em, let’s not rip your new Uma Lace top,” she mumbled, gaining a foothold at the bottom of the tree. She reached up and just like that her body kicked into muscle memory, and before she knew it she was next to Matt’s window. Like she hoped, it was slightly ajar, and she pushed it open and hoisted herself inside.

She landed with a soft thud on the floor. She expected Matt to be standing there gaping at her but instead he was facing away from her, huddled over his desk, listening to music through his earphones. Emily hadn’t seen Matt all that often since they broke up three months ago, but unless he had a personality transplant, he wouldn’t be working this hard on any school subject ever.

Emily couldn’t help but feel a little gleeful as she snuck forward, softly padding over Matt’s carpet and reaching over until she was tickling the back of his neck, right under his ear.

“Hooooooly fuck!” he yelped, whirling around, eyes wide. Papers flew off his desk and fluttered to the ground. Emily felt strangely relieved that he was in fact not doing school work, but was instead studying his gridiron playbook.

“Em?” he asked, mouth dropping open.

“Are you going to take a picture, Matt? It’ll last longer.”

“Hi. No. Hi,” he stuttered, getting up. He stood awkwardly, looking like he wanted to pick up the papers off the floor but also looking like he didn’t want to stop staring at her chest. Good. She didn’t wear this silk see-through top for nothing.

“Aren’t you going to make me feel more comfortable? Where’s your manners.”

“Sorry, I’m just really thrown that you’re here. No offense. I am happy to see you though. Why didn’t you come through the front door?”

“Maybe I wanted this to be a secret.”

“A secret, huh? I could be down with that,” he answered back in a flirty tone. And this was good. Familiar. It was striking how easily they fell back into their old pattern.

She ran a hand down his shirt, fingers ghosting over his chest in way that she knows he likes. Matt’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and Emily surged up to meet his lips with hers.

It was nice. Easy. Matt was eager to respond, like he knew this is what she wanted the moment he saw her. He wrapped his large arms around her, and Emily pushed up against him, feeling his firm body flush against hers.

And it was lovely, being in his arms again. This is what she wanted, this is why she sought him out in the first place.  His mouth was warm and his kisses firm and she tried to get into it, really into it, but it was like kissing a shadow. Swallowing down her thoughts, she moved her hands up his back to feel his broad shoulders and it almost was starting to feel normal again when Matt suddenly jerked away.

“What, what the hell?” Emily asks. To add insult to injury, Matt moved away so fast she almost toppled over.

“Em,” he moves to help her but she batted his arms away, the faint beginnings of tears beginning to form in her eyes.

No. She was not going to let him see her cry.

“I’m fine, I can stand on my own two feet you know, Jesus.”

“Hey, I’m sorry, I just….I had to stop now or I don’t think I could’ve stopped later.”

“You could’ve given a girl a warning before moving away like that.”

“Sorry.”

“Fine. Whatever,” she gestures towards the gridiron play sheets on the floor. “I’ll let you get back to your drawings.”

“Em, wait, shouldn’t we…talk about this?”

“What are you a big girl or something?” Emily sneers. She doesn’t know why she’s so angry.

“Well, you can’t blame me for being a little confused. You broke up with me, we barely hang out, now you climb through my window like nothing has changed. Do you…” and he swallows thickly, which Emily knows means he’s about to say something stupid. “Do you want to get back together with me?”

She can’t help it. The idea is so absurd that she actually starts laughing. She tries put her hands over her mouth to stop the laughter escaping but she can’t keep it in, and soon she is full on giggling. Matt looks affronted, but soon even he can’t suppress a grin until they’re both laughing at their own absurdity.

“So, I’m guessing that’s a no, then.”

“Well done, meathead, that’s some fine deduction skills you got there.”

“Ok, Ok, but…why are you here? Just, uh… wanted a second helping?”

“Not when you put it like that,” she’s smiling, but the question makes her more uncomfortable then she lets on. She doesn’t make a habit of fucking her exes. Once she’s done, she’s done.

Why was she here, then?

“Maybe I had a momentary bout of insanity. But since when do you ever turn a girl down? It’s not like you’re taken.” This was better, turning the focus on him. She meant it as a playful jab, but Matt’s face fell, and realisation hits Emily like a stone.

“Oh my god, are you seeing someone? Is it that bitch cheerleader Carly? She’s been after you for months. She’s bad news, Matt, I’ve always told you.”

“No, I’m not seeing anyone,” Matt says, his jovial body language completely gone. His shoulders slump and he goes to sit on the bed, covering his face with his hands.

“So why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?” She goes to sit by him. She’d never admit this to him, but it was unnerving to see Matt rattled.

“It’s just….I like someone. I don’t think she likes me back. But god, Em, she’s all I ever think about it and it’s driving me nuts.”

“Well, stupid, my advice; just tell her. Unless she’s blind she’ll like you back, you should hear the way most of the girls talk about you. They fawn over you so much it is disgusting.”

“She’s not like that.”

“Are- are you embarrassed?” a grin spreads over her face, and she pokes him in the side, right where she knows he’s ticklish. He squirms and tries to bat her fingers away.

“Em.”

“Tell me,” she tickles him harder. “Don’t mess with me, Matthew, I know your weakness.”

She presses her fingers into him harder, and he squirms and twitches until finally he yelps:

“It’s Hannah, ok, Jesus!”

“Hannah,” Emily moves away from him like he’s diseased, getting up and staring down at him. “Hannah. Hannah _Washington._ ”

“Yes,” Matt says, looking both relieved and sad.

“No wonder you wanted to keep that a secret. What, have you gone insane? Or blind since we broke up? Are awkward giraffes your type now?”

Matt ducks his head, and he looks so pathetic that the next insult catches in her throat. Sighing, she sits back next to him and gingerly pats his hand.

“When did this happen?”

“I don’t know, I think maybe she crept up on me. One minute she’s my friend the next…I see her walking down the hall and suddenly I can’t even breathe anymore…”

“Hannah Washington leaves you _breathless._ ”

“And it’s different from any other girl. Wait a second,” he says quickly, cutting off Emily who is about to bite his head off. “It’s different from me and you. You’re like….a force of nature. You pursued me, we got together, it was hot, really fucking hot, and then it was over. But like, we weren’t friends before that, you know? But with Hannah….she’s my friend. She’s been my friend for a while. How can I let myself fall for my _friend?_ ”

The topic jars Emily, makes her gut twist in a way that she doesn’t like. She feels like she’s missing something. A thought, dancing at the edge of her consciousness, always eluding her grasp.

Matt’s looking at her now, his eyes silently pleading for advice, and Emily bats away her instinct to run. Despite everything Matt is her friend and leaving him in the lurch right now is not an option.

“Ok, let me put it on record that I think you may be suffering from temporary insanity. Hannah Washington is a lot of things. Most of them unfortunate. But. She’s a smart girl who likes charming, handsome guys. And I dated you, and since I don’t settle for anything second best, she’s going to like you just fine.”

Emily doesn’t mention the fact that Hannah is another heartbroken woman left in Michael Munroe’s wake. There’s a slew of them now, bound together in their particularly unhappy ‘wives’ club.

Hannah. Emily

Jess.

“But what if things go wrong?” Matt says, interrupting Emily’s train of thought. “I could lose one of my closest friends.”

“Yes, that’s true. But Matt, look at you. You’re miserable. You even turned down sex with a smoking hot girl because you’re tortured by the ghost of Hannah Washington. It’s pathetic. So man up and tell her. Otherwise you’re going to sit here being miserable and always wondering what might have been.”

“You really think I have a shot? She’s not going think I’m gross and hate me?”

“Earth to Matt? It’s Hannah. She doesn’t hate anyone. She’s as sweet as apple pie. And I know she loves you. And unless she’s stupider than I thought, she’s going to want to be your girlfriend.”

“Thanks,” he looks relieved. Before she can stop him, he throws his arms around her, pulling her into a tight squeeze. “I needed that, Em.”

“Fine, fine. But you owe me one.”

He’s laughing a bit so they both don’t hear the door open until it’s too late.

“Matt can I borrow your iPhone charger…oh.”

Matt’s little sister Reilly is staring at them in shock. They pull apart, but that doesn’t lift the suspicion from the girl’s face.

“Reilly, what are you doing? You know you’re supposed to knock.”

Reilly stares back at him, lifting her chin defiantly. “Mom says you’re supposed to leave the door open when Emily is here.”

“She does?” Emily snorts, glancing at Matt, whose ears have turned pink.

“What are you doing? Get out of here before I ban you from my room forever.”

“I’m just saying what Mom said.”

“Reilly, get out.”

“Mom said…’

“What did Mom say?” and now Mrs Taylor has arrived, looking quizzically at her children until her eyes land on Emily. Emily’s good with parents, and tries to smile winsomely, but she’s fighting a losing battle.

“Emily. Lovely to see you. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Yeah. Matt let me in, but it’s late so I should be going….”

“I think that’s wise,” Mrs Taylor says, her smile not reaching her eyes. Emily gathers her bag, which was left on the floor, wishes Matt a quick goodbye before scurrying out of the room as quickly as she can.

Mrs Taylor’s amused voice follows her out.

“And Emily, feel free to use the door next time.”

+++

Somehow, seeing Matt made Emily feel worse.  This day had been one mess after another, and all she wanted to do was curl up and eat Cheetos and watch movies. And there was only one person she wanted to do that with, but she was precisely the only person she couldn’t call.

Her phone buzzes again. Jess is calling her now. It takes every inch of Emily’s nerves not to pick up the call. Jess is going to be pissed at her and demand answers to questions Emily doesn’t really want to hear. Feeling the ominous first stirrings of a headache, she pulls into her driveway and heads indoors.

Her mother greets her at the door with a disapproving look. Emily ducks her head. She knows she missed dinner and she knows that her mother sat around all evening, stewing in her own anger and worry, wishing Emily would for once do what she’s told.

Her mother shouldn’t be surprised.

In the end she disappoints everyone.

“Good to see you’re finally here,” her mother says, drying her hands with a dish towel.

“Sorry I missed dinner. Got caught up studying. I’m not hungry though, I might have some fruit or something later.”

“Jess is here,” she says, and Emily actually blanches at the words. “She’s been waiting quietly up there for an hour. You should go to her.”

It shouldn’t be so hard to enter her own room. Emily stands outside for a few moment, trying to ignore horde of butterflies swirling in her gut.

When she opens the door, she sees Jess is looking at the pictures of her stuck on Emily’s dresser. She seemed really intent on looking at them, and didn’t hear Emily until she shut the door behind her.

“Hey,” Emily says, hating how her voice slightly quivered.

A flash of something – and Emily might have even guessed affection- flittered over Jess’s face. It was momentary, though, because before Emily could say anything more, Jess had her arms folded over her chest and was levelling her with a ferocious look.

“What the hell do you call this?”

“Jess,” Emily mumbles, walking into the room and dropping her bag wearily on the floor. “It’s late. Can’t we just….watch some trashy T.V and leave it?”

“Uh, excuse me? Like hell I am going to leave this.” And Jess is pacing around her, buzzing like an angry wasp. “You don’t get to do this, Emily. You don’t get to freeze me out again. Not after all that crap last year with Mike.”

Emily bats her away, and goes to sit on the bed, too tired to pretend to be anything other than exhausted. “Jess. I just…wanted a day to myself. Would that kill you?”

“It’s not like you’re ignoring everyone else. Hannah said you were being all chummy with Sam this morning. So what are you playing at, Em?”

“What the hell?” Emily feels her hackles rise, and she gets up, staring her friend in the face, righteous anger beginning to course through her veins. “You don’t get to pull this wounded crap with me. I’ve told you _everything_. About my dad dying, about my bastard step-father. About the bullies that made my life fucking miserable. I have _never_ kept a secret from you.”

“And I haven’t kept a secret from…”

“What about your big gay tryst with Beth?”

This stops Jess in her tracks. She stares at Emily, color beginning to drain from her face.

“What?”

“You heard me,” and Emily hates the vindictive sneer she can hear in her voice. “Turns out Sam’s a gossip when she’s drunk.”

“She told you at Josh’s party,” Jess says weakly. She gingerly sits down on Emily’s bed.

“Yeah she did,” and Jess looks so miserable, it was making it hard for Emily to maintain her righteous indignation.

 “Jess…how did this happen? Beth freaking Washington? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Cause I thought you’d react like this!” Jess burst out, tears beginning to well. “I thought if you knew I wasn’t totally straight, you’d hate me, or like, not want to do sleep-overs or go shopping together, and I couldn’t deal with that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh please, you hate me, or are disgusted by me. I can see it in your face. That’s why you don’t even want to be seen with me.”

“Jess, no,” Emily says, feeling an odd, fluttery sensation in her chest.  Emily’s anger has dissipated, leaving her feeling deflated, almost hollow.

 She goes to sit by her friend, who now looks completely miserable.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been a bitch,” Emily says. She hesitates for a moment, before reaching out and taking one of Jess’s hands in her own. It’s clammy, but Emily squeezes it anyway. “You know I wouldn’t care what you are, and it’s not like our entire friendship group is full of raging heterosexuals.”

“It’s differently, though. When it’s your best friend.”

“No, it’s not,” Emily stresses, putting two fingers under Jess’s chin, pushing up until her friend is looking back at her with watery, shimmering eyes. She looks so fragile, so apprehensive.

So beautiful.

 “I’m sorry, OK. I don’t know why I freaked out. But… Jess, if we can get through that walking human disaster that is Michael Munroe, we can move on this from this.”

“Ok,” Jess sniffles, and Emily can’t help it. She pulls her friend into a side hug.

She’s warm to touch.

They stay still for moment. Enjoying an amiable, if slightly fraught, silence.

But thoughts, unbidden, of Jess and Beth together start to flicker through Emily’s mind. She tries to squash them, but the more she tries the more she thinks of them. Beth, dragging her long fingers all over Jess’s skin, sliding her mouth down to the nape of her neck, whispering against her…

Jess suddenly wriggles out of Emily’s grasp.

 “What?”

“What do you mean what?”

“You were fine, and now you’re freaking out,” Jess is beginning to recover some of her usual spark. She crosses her arms over her chest and looks at Emily impatiently.

“I’m just wondering…what happened? With you and Beth?”

“Oh that,” Jess lets out a heavy sigh.  “You really want to know?”

“Wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t.”

“OK. You know I was friends with the Washingtons in middle-school. Before I met you. Well, I got to know Hannah and Beth just after Sam did. Hannah and Sam were joined at the hip, so me and Beth just naturally split off when they would go off and play. So, we became close. We’d hang out all the time. Then one time we were in her room, listening to some of her whiny chick music and…it just happened.”

“Let me guess. Beth came on to you…”

“As if!” Jess’s is laughing now, light and loud, and Emily involuntarily smiles back. “I have no idea where this rumor of Beth being some kind of lady Lothario comes from. She was so scared when I first kissed her, I was afraid she was going to pee her pants.”

“Charming.”

“What? Beth’s a big ole softie.”

“So….”

“So…we kept kissing. Lots. I mean, it was our little secret for _months._ Right up until the end of middle school.”

Curiosity was getting the better of Emily. “What happened? Why you’d stop?”

“It just petered out,” Jess fidgets, awkwardly playing with Emily’s bedspread. “I was young, but I wasn’t blind. I wasn’t enough for Beth. Even back then, Sam was the only one she really wanted.”

 “Oh,” Emily says softly. Jess looks a little sad, and Emily once again finds herself cursing Beth Washington’s stupidity.

_Sam is great, Sam is stunning, but Jess…who would chose anyone over Jess?_

“So, what are you? Are you, what, like, bisexual now?”

Jess laughs a little self-consciously.

“You know me, hon. I don’t do labels. But what can I say? I’m a lady who likes ‘em tall, dark and charming.”

“Beth’s not charming,” Emily scoffs.

“Yes, she is,” Jess says teasingly.

“I’d go with obnoxious, but OK.”

Jess chuckles, warm and low. It’s dark, but through the gloom Emily can see that Jess’s eyes are glinting with a strange kind of…wanting, almost.

“Why do you care?”

“About what?”

“About me and Beth?”

The question lingers.

Emily licks her lips. They’re parched, all of a sudden.

“I don’t… care.”

Jess moves in close, so close Emily can feel her hot breath on her check.

“Maybe I want you. To care.”

Then she leans in and kisses Emily. Simple as that.

For a full second Emily doesn’t move. She can’t hear anything, feel anything, except a roar that is rattling inside her skull. But then she feels the softness of Jess’s lips moving against her, and she wants, she wants….

Her stomach plunges to the floor when Jessica suddenly pulls away.

“Oh my god, oh my freaking god, I’m sorry, Jesus, crap, crap, I’m so sorry, Emily.”

Jess is starting to stand up, to move away from her.

“Jess, what…”

“No, I, I, I don’t why I did that. I must be going crazy. I better go.”

“No!” and Emily can’t think, her mind is still reeling, but she knows, more than anything, that she doesn’t want Jess to go.

“I just did something I promised never to do. I’m sorry, Em, I promise that will never happen again…”

“Jess, can you please calm down?”

“NO!” Jess almost shouts. She’s reaching down to get her bag and rapidly retreating away from Emily. “I really need to go now.”

And Jess’s hand is now on her door knob, and before Emily can even think, she springs up, closes the distance between the two of them, pushing Jess lightly until her back is up against her door.

“Em…what…”

Emily kisses her, warm and firm.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s been a long time since she’s felt this nervous, this vulnerable, when she was kissing someone. Emily prides herself on being organised. She meticulously plans her life, week to week, day to day. Even when her relationship with Mike was disintegrating before her eyes, she still felt like she retained a degree of control, like she was one step away from the carnage.

But kissing Jess felt like the best kind of chaos.

Jess wraps her arms around Emily’s neck and kisses her back. She’s soft and needy and Emily pins Jess to the door, feeling every inch of her pressed up against her body.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Jess breaks away. She’s breathing hard, and it makes a shiver of genuinely need scythe through Emily’s body.

“So, I’m hoping you didn’t do that just to shut me up?”

“No,” Emily whispers. Their labored breathing sounds so loud in the silence.

“Why did you do it?”

“Jess….”

“Why.”

“Jess...”

“ _Why_.”

“Because I want you,” Emily bursts out, sagging against her friend, resting her forehead against the smaller girls.

Emily feels, rather than sees, Jess smile.

“I want you too.”

Emily pulls her head away, and Jess is looking back at her, eyes shining with a warmth Emily has rarely seen. She kisses Emily gently.

“I feel like I wanted to do that for as long as I can remember,” Jess whispers, dragging a finger to the corner of Emily’s left eye, catching a tear that was about to fall.

“This is so… this is a lot to deal with,” Emily whispers.

“I know. And we can do it together,” Jess says, an affectionate smile breaking out on her face.

_She’s so, so, beautiful._

Suddenly, Emily groans, and the faintest hint of what could be anxiety creeps into Jess’s expression.

“What?”

“I owe Beth an apology.”

“What do you mean?”

“I kind of, uh, got mad at her and bit her head off for no reason at debate club today.”

“No reason?” Jess purrs. She flutters her eye lashes in a way that, Emily had to concede, was very attractive. “I think you were jealous.”

“Well, whatever,” Emily huffs. “When she cools down I may concede I went a little too far.”

 “So this fight,” Jess teases, dragging a hand down Emily’s chest. “Did it involve bikinis and a mud bath?”

_“Jess.”_

Jess plants a quick kiss on her lips. “Can’t a girl dream? Now, are you going to invite me to stay over or what?”

“Uh,” and Emily’s heart is beating so loud she swears Jess should be able to hear it. “Sure. Do you have clothes to change into?”

“I thought I could borrow some of your clothes… Or I could sleep naked…”

Emily’s cheeks are now white hot. “I’m not ready for that quite yet…”

“I know! You’re adorable when you’re flustered, you know.”

“Shut up,” Emily retorts, flushing when Jess just winks at her in reply.

A little while later Jess pulls her into bed, nuzzling up against her, resting her head underneath Emily’s chin.

Emily stays still, watching the moon light illuminate Jess’s face, listening to the steady, deep intake of her breath.

Chaos never felt so good.

**Author's Note:**

> Emily is very dopey when it comes to her own feelings.
> 
> Hi! So this story is dedicated to my friend, imdisappointingmyparents, who is my favourite author in fandom and inspired me to get involved in the first place. Her work is wonderful, and in if you haven't read Widows, in particular, I question what you are doing with your life.
> 
> Also, this fandom desperately needs more femslash and I plan to rectify that. Also, also apologies, this is not beta read, so all typos and grammatical stuff ups are mine alone.
> 
> Please comment or leave a kudos. It is a scientific fact that readers who give feedback are better lovers. Truth.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


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